Ray DeForest: Out! Out! Out!

Whew, what a time we are having. All over the press I’m reading about Sean Hayes and Ricky Martin! WOW! They are gay. Can you believe it? Well, welcome boys to a world full of love and support….oh wait…that’s not what I’m reading…

I’ve been looking at line after line on Facebook, Twitter, The Advocate boards and other publications, about what a disappointment these men are to our community. There is venom in words and I really felt I needed to write about it today. It amazes me how downright hateful we can be to others because we have an open forum to express ourselves. Post after post I read… “disgusting”, “asshole”, “whiny little twat!”, “lame”…it makes my heart ache.

I am a true believer that to be happy, you have to be honest. You have to be honest to yourself and to the world around you. In a perfect world, that would be easy and no one would care. If only that were true. We all saw what happened to Ellen DeGeneres when she came out. Her career fizzled, she was ridiculed and struggled long and hard to be where she is now. I am sure she would say it was well worth it. She held her head high and is a success in life and love. Neil Patrick Harris came out and he blossomed as a person and performer. In a world of Heroes, they are the SuperHeroes. Does that mean the road they took should be the one that everyone should take?

Coming out is a personal, difficult thing to do. There are actually “stages” one must go through to come out. “Self Recognition” is the first one. I remember being a kid and thinking that other men were “interesting” and sexy. It took much longer for me to truly realize and recognize that I was gay. It’s common belief that this also brings great anxiety and loss to a person. It’s at this point so many kids feel they have lost “paradise” otherwise known as the “heterosexual life”! I know now that’s absurd. I know that the heterosexual life is no better than my life. I am so happy to be gay! Unfortunately for so many, they don’t feel that way. Teenage suicide amongst young gays is such a horrible problem. Feelings of rejection by their families and the world can lead them to take their own lives. It makes me sad. It makes me mad. Visit a LGBTQ homeless shelter this week and see what coming out has done to so many.

Being “in the closet” means many different things. It is as individual as we are. Studies have shown that same-sex couples who are closeted are not as satisfied in their relationships as same-sex couples who are openly gay. Many would ask…”How can you be in a relationship but not be ‘out’?” Again, “out” is different for each person.

“Disclosure” is another step. This happens in many ways and is a very slow process. If a person encounters rejection during this part of their journey, it can cause them to go back into themselves and back to “self recognition”. Fortunately for me it was met with great support from family and friends. I never felt like I had to hide and the positive family and friends I had in my life helped me discover so much about me. I was fortunate. So many are not.

Socializing with other LGBTQ people is important for us all. It shows us we are not alone. It helps us develop the “pride” we celebrate each June. It’s greatest strength comes from acceptance, validation and support. I would imagine that being a celebrity could be tough. Yes, they make money; yes, they are “famous”; yes, they seem to “have it all”, but many people think “stars” have a “duty” to come out. The reality is that many celebrities are really afraid, insecure and lonely. It’s easy to think they “have the life”, but the reality is that many are just as scared as the rest of us.

The key to life for me is trying to be the best “gay” I can be. No one is perfect, but we should all stand tall and try to be “honest” to the world. For some it will take time, for others it will be only a moment. More than ever, I want to be here for anyone that comes out.

Several years ago, while walking around at the “Dance on the Pier” for NYC Pride, my partner and I ran into two young men. I was dressed as Superman and was holding a Gay Pride flag high over my head. One of the men said that his friend standing by his side had just come out today, and he was scared to go home. He was Latino, and afraid that his family would reject him and throw him out. My heart ached for this young man. I announced to the crowd around me that this man had just come out and needed our support. I gave him my Pride flag and told him to hold it high. Everyone around us came close and gave this man the hug, love and support he felt he needed. I ran into him at the end of the dance, and he gave me a hug. He said he would never forget this day, and no matter what happened when he got home, he would know that there were many people out there that would support his decision. He said he would forever hold that flag high.

I say stop criticizing people for WHEN they come out. Instead PRAISE them for it, open your hearts, and tell them… welcome to my world, welcome to a world full of love and support.

Hugs and Love 

Ray DeForest's Blog Record || Who I Am | Remembrall | It's Fundamental! | Date Night | The Devil Wears Parka | Those Wonderful Toys | Gidget Goes Hawaiian | Buddy L | Mirror Mirror | Wonderful | Seeds of Change | Mannerisms | Swim Trunks and Badges | WOW!